So recently I realized, where I've went wrong in my whole dating  life. I'm always head over heels for romantic poetic type of guys, that's my ideal type of guys. But I've realized, that those type of guys might not be good for me. They usually turn out to be 10-faced jerks, what they say sound so good and your heart is so touched, and they make you feel so wonderful with their sweet words or poetic lifestyle.  Turning out to be psychos who  never mean what they say, leaving you to wonder why they ever stopped loving you,when really they might've did but was just exaggerating because they're so "poetic."  When you get away from them, they put on this whole show expressing their "deep pain," making you feel guilty,and then when you come back, they go back to the way they were.

These types of guys are so tempting...but really, are they good for you? In stories, it's always so wonderful to see the guy expressing such heartfelt love and being good,but in this world, most of these guys don't exist, do they? I don't know if it is just a turn of the century,where people've changed, or if along past centuries these types of guys were real. 

So the next time I have a relationship, I might...should not be with someone who is "overly romantic and poetic."  Yes, girls and gay guys, I know it sound so good compare to guys who are a little unromantic, but sometimes it's better. But of course, don't go for guys who are a complete emotionless either.  As long as they like/love you somewhat and at least express it in some way, it is better than hearing loads of romantic poetic words that might not mean a thing.

*Of course, if you've found a good overly romantic,poetic guy,then bravo! :) I'm not sterotyping all the romantics in this world, I am just speaking from my experience,so please don't think badly of a romantic guy  right away,because it'd be a shame if you accuse him wrongly. :) I'm not here to steer girls and gays from the romantics, I'm just saying just be on the lookout if you feel like his "romanticness" doesn't feel right to you. After all, who doesn't want a romantic?

So tomorrow is the first day of school, ah that brings back memories of last year during the first day of school.  So ABOUT EXACTLY one year ago, one of my best friends Pheng skipped class to walk me to my class, because I was so upset about my breakup with an ex-boyfriend(John) at the time, and so Pheng came to my school to comfort me. I remember before class start, we ate at Jack in the Box,and talked about life.  That was so sweet of him,he is one of my favorite people in the world who have lots of meanings,and I be so lost without him, thank you for this wonderful friendship. *Cries and smile*

The day before that was Andrea's birthday, he lives in Malta and the gifts haven't arrived to him yet. I wanted him to be suprised and smile when he opens it on his birthday, but it is past his birthday now. I got him a book called The Art of the Short Story, the book have short stories and insight on each of the authors,which is a very in depth reading gift for a bookworm like him, and I also made a bracelet for him. I am especially very proud of the bracelet, The engraving on the bracelet is of a willow tree, because that is his favorite tree. It is also my favorite tree as well.
 

My mom always hurts me emotionally deeply when she is angry, whether it's about me or even something else.  She said something very hurtful today. She says she hopes I die soon so that she won't have to deal with me anymore.   When she said that, I almost felt like I should just die to finally make her happy.  But then I remind myself that I have to live longer, if I don't live longer then I won't be able to get that chance to finally reach "the happy day."   It hurts dealing with this all the time,  but I gotta have a firm grip on my life. 

Of course,she couldn't had been so serious about what she said.  The root of what she was angry about in the first place, is not important.  It is just one of those small tiny misunderstandings that result in big problems when they over react and then they start finding other things to be angry about. 

She then complains and tell me she always have tell me to do this and that, and that I never do anything around the house.  That's what it seems like, to her, the observer.   But she doesn't see how much I do, I always take care of my own things, and I do help out occasionally when I'm not busy. It's not like I tell her to go wash my clothes or to cook for me, I can do those things myself.   She doesn't understand how busy I am sometimes with my personal schedule, I always have a lot of personal projects going on.   And look, I know when to take a shower, when to eat, when to go to sleep okay, I don't need her to tell me. 

She says I don't act like an adult, but she never treat me as an adult to begin with, so how can I be an adult in her eyes.  She never let me do anything by myself, so how can she say I never do this and that? I really do a lot for her,  I give her my respect and try to be a nice daughter, pleasing when I can.   But I am never appreciated in her eyes.  Even when she praises me, I feel like there is mockery behind it.  

Nowadays, I really put up a lot with her,  when she yell at me I keep my mouth shut, because I don't want to lose control of my tears. I didn't want to seem disrespectful, and didn't want to waste breath either, so I kept quiet and let her yell at me until she feels better.  Besides, if I were to talk back, I would have to deal with her even longer. So I just wait for her to shutup and then go away, so I can go do my own things.   Then couple hours later she would act all cheerful, and hugging me, as if nothing happened.   That gives me a mixed feeling about her,  it frightens me, and makes me not want to get closer to her, because I don't want to be even more hurt when she flips over and be a different woman.   I really adore her when she is that great woman, but at the same time I feel afraid to have good feelings for her. 

She says, "I'm human too." 

Well...I'm human too....

So recently I watched Huan Zhu Ge Ge II (aka Hoang Chau Cat Cat II in Vietnamese)(aka Princess Returning Pearl II/My Fair Princess II when translated in english). It was a funny, yet moving movie. It is one of those movies where it is divided into episodes, like a tv show but is linked together to make a story, and goes on for many hours. The cast of the movie consist of some of my favorite actresses, Ruby Lin, Vicki Zhao Wei, and Fan Bing Bing.

I was sad to hear that Liu Dan, the girl that played the role of Han Xiang, died when she was 25 years of age in a car accident, in 2000. She was sleeping in the back seat, and her driver swung the car over to avoid something, and crashed into a pole. Liu Dan's body flew out of the car, and in addition ran over by another car. =(

Liu Dan provided such a beautiful image in her role in Huan Zhu Ge Ge II, and a very important role too. She died shortly after finishing her 2nd movie. Audience of Huan Zhu Ge Ge II will always remember the beautiful character Liu Dan protrayed.
 

Liu Dan as Han Xiang.

 

Michael Jackson, the sensationally gifted “King of Pop” who emerged from childhood superstardom to become the entertainment world’s most influential singer and dancer before his life and career deteriorated in a freakish series of scandals, died Thursday. He was 50.

The circumstances of his death were not immediately clear. Jackson was not breathing when Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics responded to a call at his Los Angeles home about 12:30 p.m., Capt. Steve Ruda told the Los Angeles Times. The paramedics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda told the newspaper.

Jackson’s death brought a tragic end to a long, bizarre, sometimes farcical decline from his peak in the 1980s, when he was popular music’s premier all-around performer, a uniter of black and white music who shattered the race barrier on MTV, dominated the charts and dazzled even more on stage.
 

So my close childhood friend Mai Kue recently got married this month. Yayy!!!! Congratuations!!! ^_^ I was suprised how early she got married, less than a year after high school graduation. Haha, she and I always thought she'd get married way later and I was always reminding her, "Don't forget to invite me to your wedding someday!" But then her family and her husband's family decided they can get married now if they want.  But I couldn't come to her wedding because I still live with my parents,  I sent her heart shaped measuring spoons as a wedding gift. ^_^

(This is a brief summary of the process only)Basically, this process is which a model of the object is made of wax, either carved from or build up using hot wax, representing what you want the final oject to be. You then attach "sprues," which are sticks made out of wax, to the wax model to support it, and stick it into the base of the flask. You pour a creamy white fluid called "investment" into the flask, the fluid then dries. The flask is then put into a kiln a few hours for a "burn out," when the flask is taken out, the wax model is no longer there, but it have made an indentation in the investment. You take off the base of the flask, and place it in the centrifuge, which somewhat looks like a big round tub. From there you melt the metal, later you operate the centrifuge to shoot the metal into the flask.

For the heart shaped candy box pendant, I carved each heart out of wax, and used hot wax to drip some "candy" into "the box." When I casted them, i casted them in bronze. Then later soldering the two hearts together, and soldered on a brass bail. I had to use a lot of solder for this project, since the hearts were quite heavy. It was also very hard to polish the inside of the box, where the "candies," were. I plan to attach crystals onto the bow part and and the "candy" part, to give it a pop of color.

For the rose on cuff, I builded the rose up using hot wax, casted it in bronze, then soldering the bronze rose onto a brass cuff. It was very difficult to solder this rose onto the cuff,since the rose was a bit heavy, perhaps next time it would be easier if the cuff was to be curved after soldering, to give the rose a better balance when soldering. It was also hard to polish the rose, since they were so many small curve along the rose.

I'm very proud of these, and I really like them. They're time consuming, I really hated having to saw off the sprues after they were casted. But I think in the end it came out great =) These items will be availble in my online shop when I make a few more. Since these items were so time consuming, they will be priced above $65 definitely

So yesturday evening I came back from my class's one night camping trip.  It was the first time I've been camping, in the sixth grade I've went to outdoor school but I stayed in a cabin instead of a tent so I guess that didn't really count.  I caught a cold the night before the trip, then it turned into allergies.  My nose was running and stuffy, my throat was sore, I was coughing and sneezing almost every few minutes. I did not sleep well in the tent, I felt cold at one moment, then hot the next.  Then, in the middle of the night, I had to go to the bathroom. It was quite a long walk to the bathroom, and it was so dark I could barely see. My flashlight was quite dim, I feared what if my flashlight were to die out.  I kept turning behind me and looking from side to side every few seconds, I was scared. 

Finally, when I got inside the bathroom, I made my movements as quiet as possible. When I got out of the bathroom, I hesitated before opening the door, then threw it open quite agressively, and looked from side to side. On my way back, I kept tripping over these medium sized rocks, and I saw what looked like a rabbit running across the area. I was not only afraid that I was alone in the middle of nowhere in the night, but was also afraid what if I were to accidently step on animal...   My fear grew worst, when I couldn't find my tent. I was so scared, and also being nauseous from my sickness, that I lost focus, not sure where my tent was. I walked around the area for about half an hour it seems, calling out names outside of tents.  Panicked when I saw two figures in light, I shined my flashlight at them, though my flashlight wasn't very bright, and about a feet away they shined their flashlight as me and asked if I was okay. 

I saw that they were two of my classmates. I told them I couldn't find my tent. They pointed and said it was right there.  I went to the tent and unzipped it, a female voice said,"Excuse me! I believe you got the wrong tent!" I shined my flashlight in there and apologized, and zipped the tent in a hurry. When I turned around, my two classmates were no where to be found. So I kept walking around, later I saw them again, I told them it was the wrong tent. They apologized and helped me find my tent. At first when I got to my tent, I thought I've gotten the wrong tent again because when I unzipped it I saw the sleeping bags laid horizontally, but turned out I unzipped the tent from the side. When I got back inside my tent, it took me a while to go back to sleep. My hands were cold and numb from being outside for so long, but I was too...numb and tired from the experience to move my hands much to pile on more sweaters.  I felt numb, my heart was beating fast. In the morning I didn't fully woke up until someone from outside the tent told us to wake up. I woke up, it wasn't so easy, my head felt heavy.

If one were to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in camp, it is very important to either have a bright flashlight or wake one of your tent partners up. Don't be afraid they would get annoyed about you disturbing their sleep, it's worth your safety. Or at the very least, make some sort of landmark near your tent, like, gather a heap of rocks or tie a piece of cloth on a tree near the tent.

One of my best of best friends Victor just told me something very enlightening. 

*"Everything is nothing, including the consciousness of nothing. Nothing is nothing. Means nothing.
There is no meaning in life. Nothing means anything. Is nothing. Mean nothing at all. You get it now."

That sunk in to the odd feeling I been feeling these past few days. I felt an empty feeling. No it was not boredom. It was not depression either.  It was a very odd feeling...completely undescribable.  Then he showed me these sequence of videos on youtube about the spirituality of humans.  It was called Kymatica, by Ben Stewart. And that completely responded to that odd feeling. 

Favorite quotes I got from it:

"The self IS the universe."

"Nothing goes through evolution alone."

"It is not THEY, it is YOU that brought this about. "

*We hear it is claimed that gods,angels,archangels, etc  influence over men. We hear it is claimed that the hierarchies of the gods are the heirachies within the human psyche. We must understand, that when the ancient scriptures speaks of spirtual influences from a higher being,they were speaking of archetypal forces that are inherit within us, not from an external source."

* "This is where we begin to see the relavent of astrology as an ancient form of science that resurfaced in the 19th and 20th century under the name of psychlogy.Friedrich Nietzche stated "As long as you still experience the stars as something above you, you still lack aviewpoint of knowledge." This is astropyschology, the interfaculty of the psyche."

______________________________________

 

I am positive about life again, I have to be.  Though some sorrow may still be visible underneath it all, I know I can be okay. It is like...I am okay....but underneath it I am not okay. 

-"The way my heart is beating right now...it's as if it's calling for you..."
-"You're everything I can ever ask for,"
-"You're everything I think about,"
-"Write this down word for word...tanti told me he love me...and he will love me forever."

I will remember those words from him forever.....for the rest of my life....

Last night when I thought the sweetest words I could ever hear could exist, he additionally went into his garden and got a red barely budding rose for me, presenting the rose on webcam. =) Then this morning he showed me a whole bouquet of different types of flowers. So lovely. So sweet. Of course it's not about the flowers, but nobody have ever ever ever "gave me" flowers before, and so the image of those flowers were bright in my eyes. I remember red ones...pink ones...and yellow ones.  Yeah I know flowers are materials but common, it's tradition, sometimes words aren't enough, there got to be sweet gesture too, action to prove what the heart is made of,  That moment absolutely made my day. =)

So today my family and I were suppose to go to the pre-Tet festival.  Everyone was getting ready, then my parents starting fighting about something.  I was upstairs and I heard things breaking.  I went downstairs and saw my mom throwing the dishes and bowls onto the ground continuously.  My little sister and I got scared. I felt like crying, and went to get the broom to sweep the mess up.  Tet(The chinese/vietnamese new year) is near, they shouldn't fight on this day, today was suppose to be a happy day where the family enjoy the festival.  Though I usually don't like attending events with them, but still, common, they shouldn't have to act this way on Tet.  Many times they'd say they'd get a divorce, each time dramatic and seems real.  This time, I don't know.